The B-Squad faced off against new opponent this week and anticipation ran high all week because the team is called “Kelly’s†and that is a girl’s name. It was a stupid reason to be optimistic. Everyone knows that if a guy named Kelly plays softball he can hit, catch and throw better than you. That is what happens when you give boys girl names: they acquire superior athletic skills in both team sports and fighting.Â
Besides, maybe Kelly was the name of the wife of one of these guys. Or the name of the bar that sponsors them where the go after games because of the beautiful red-headed namesake barmaid who scolds and teases them as she brings another round of sweet cold beer. [Or, as it turns out the second half of the actual team name: Dan Kelly’s. But no matter…] These guys could be playing for pride, or love, or worst yet honor.Â
At game time they looked like regular softball guys. No one had the obvious look of a Kelly and they didn’t appear to have a chip on their collective shoulder or a mission statement stitched to their softball bag. They seemed normal, with the possible exception of their inability to hit the ball very far—a quality that we recognized and were grateful to share.Â
The early innings, therefore, turned out to be a defensive show for both teams. The B’s scored a few runs quickly which were answered by Kelly, but mostly the game consisted of little bloopers here and there and not a significant offensive threat to be seen on either side.Â
In fact, the B-Squad almost ended the fourth inning with a nifty double play by confidently running off the field after Keekley retired the second runner. We were gathering our bats for our turn at the plate when our Master Statistician, Thomas Burrell, pointed out that in fact only two outs had happened that inning. It was such a great play we just assumed the inning was over. No matter, the third out was quickly secured and at the end of four the B-Squad was up by two runs.Â
It looked like it might be a magical night and our most hopeful fan started to chatter up the possibility behind the fence. A few hopeful gawkers from other teams stopped to see if the streak would finally snap. There was anticipation in the air.Â
I recall ending the top of the fifth inning with the first of my two miserable plate appearances. I took a strike, then a ball, then a big cut at a pitch that was probably a little high. Not that it mattered, I missed the ball pretty much all together. I remember watching the ball miss the bat and thinking, right before the red-hot shame and humiliation took over, that the ball looked funny.Â
The ball was a lopsided mess, actually. When struck with a bat, it appeared to be filled with oatmeal or some sort of creamy candy center. It was a mush ball, unsuitable for nearly any reasonable sporting activity with the possible exception of this game where our team was in the hunt for a statistical victory.Â
The Kelly crew didn’t have another ball, but we did. Our helpful New Ball Procurement Officer, Thomas Burrell, quickly dug out one of our shiny new balls and threw it out to Doug who was taking the mound for the top of the fifth inning. This was a pristine object full of all the white leather promise modern precision manufacturing offers to the recreational sporting public.Â
Kelly batters quickly demonstrated that they knew what to do with such an object. They hit the ball viciously and with reckless abandon. They hit the ball deep into left where Keith, having fallen backwards in an attempt to go deep enough to play the ball, literally took the ball in the chin. They hit grounders that frightened the infielders, line drives up the middle and massive long shots that were unimaginable just one inning before. They hit the snot out of the ball, scoring six runs and returning the Super B’s to the bench wondering what had happened.Â
There was a little fight left in the B-Squad. Malibar snapped his batting slump with a patented Smash Mouth Triple. His efforts scored a few runs but it wasn’t enough. This softball contest apparently has a limited number of innings and we ran out and were caused to pull up the bases, thank the ump and head off to the bar.Â
We discovered on reflection that there were no serious wounds to recover from with the possible exception of Keith’s damaged jawbone. The emotional scars of the statistical disadvantage at the end of the game was offset by the generally cheery nature of the contest and the chance to ask Tom Burrell over and over why volunteered the truth after the double play and even worse offered a fresh ball a contest we were winning. There were accusations and protests, demands and retorts, and in the end Mr. Burrell was shown the love and respect he deserved by earning cape honors in a landslide vote.Â
Congratulations, Tom!Â
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Maybe it is in the bat. I have a very warped tennis racket if that would help. Love your write ups. We will have to make a game sometime–too funny.
I really don’t want to do this, but you know that I have to. I apologize in advance.
(deep sigh) That said, Tom didn’t ‘borrow’ the ball, the other team did. Tom’s action is usually called ‘lending’, at least outside of the Midwest. Yes, I know this would ruin the alliteration, but I can’t help it. I’m a pedant and I know it.
Do I feel better now? No. I hate myself and what I’ve become.
Dave O, Let me borrow you some St John’s Wort.
seems to me that what Tommy did was borrow the ball that was intended for use in the next game where Bsqd was home team. He did, in fact, lend it to the other team, but did, in fact, borrow it from a future game.
No need to hate yourself Daveo, you and the Brggr are both correct.
Mali- you are so close:
Actually, the ball in question had been procured for use in a previous game, and not used. The ump in that game kindly returned it for future use, and being the nicest looking ball in the bag, that’s the one I grabbed.
So really, it was lent from the past, but as it was still usable for a future home game, it was also borrowed from the future. It is in fact a Paradox Ball, which was never manufactured or purchased- it just continues to be loaned from the past into the future and borrowed by the present.
Sort of like Social Security.
Just going through the most recent stats, I can clearly see where Doug LaPoint should get moved up in the line-up.
He is in the top 3 in hitting (500).
I also believe his contract should be extended with a pay increase.
1. He has the best E.R.A. on the team
2. He is fielding 1000.
3. He has kept the last two games very close so there was a chance for a win.
And lastly he puts his life on the line each & every pitch. He is only 30 some feet away from those 150 M.P.H. line drives coming off those (mostly illegal)
aluminum weapons those 6 ft. plus monters are wielding, taking it in the shorts on ocassion.
Please consider these reasons in his next contract.