B-Squad Gets To Fabled “First Base!”

Pre-Adolscent Team Worries That Mabye “It” Will Never Happen To Them

First off, we all owe Jeff a tip of the proverbial softball-styled apparel for the head, or as the kids call them: “ball cap” for his heroic loop over the second baseman’s head that dropped just in front of the charging center fielder. One needn’t go to score keeper school to learn how to mark that in the old record book, it was a hit.

Though one wouldn’t be surprised if the B-Squad hadn’t recognized the play, or perhaps had to pause a moment to recall exactly what to do now that there was an actual “man on base.” Keith, at least I think it was Keith, was coaching first and he was the first to break the silence. “Good job,” he said. He looked nervously at the bench, as if to see if someone else would like to take the heavy responsibility for giving Jeff directions should another “hit” occur.

Things didn’t look good at third base either. Standing in what has been until that moment the entirely ceremonial role of third base “coach,” Mike shifted from foot to foot. Would he need to give important base-running guidance to Jeff? Would Jeff’s eventual success depend on Mike’s instincts, his gut reaction to some sort of split-second choice? Mike wasn’t excited about this prospect.

Most everyone else on the B-Squad was just thrilled. Jeff had broken the spell of more than ten (not that anyone is counting) consecutive outs. Fly outs. Ground outs. Strike outs. You name it and the B-Squad utilized the strategy for not getting on base.

Makes for short innings and short paragraphs.

The pitcher, or should I say “belly itcher”, was a little disappointed. We’re not talking Sandy Koufax, but he was on the way to a no-hitter in E-League softball. A somewhat dubious accomplishment, but one that you could tell he was starting to mull over in his head. He had never faced the Dagomen before, so he wasn’t sure if this was terrific pitching or a really bad softball team, but before he got his hopes up too far Jeff dashed them, just threw them to the dirt and beat the hell out of them with his bat, just pounding those hopes harder and harder until they were little shards of hope mashed into the soft earth around the pitcher’s mound.

Later in the game Brad Buggs Thowdahl got a hit as well. Another tip of the head-gear to Mr. Throwdahl who rounded out the B-Squad’s volatile offense. “We’re like the Vikings that way,” Brad quipped. “We might go for several periods without any visible offensive strategy and then at the last minute we’ll get a couple of hits and really put the scare into our opponents. I think of myself, really, as the Moss to Jeff’s Culpeper in this game.”

Indeed. There was much to celebrate in this evening of nearly athletic activity. For example, the game was over quickly since it didn’t take us long to bat. And Brody Owens showed up again. So did Paul Meadows. And there was a special guest straight from the hell-hole of a marketing department at Adaytum (“WE’RE SO PASSIONATE WE’RE SHOUTING”) Software: Steve “Stephanie” Yager-miester-burger-master. Steve really turned up our post-game celebration by ordering (I’m not making this up) a cup of Clam Chowder soup.

It was infectious, this soup. Many people ordered it and consumed it, both during and after eating the Italian meat sandwich Dusty’s is so proud of. And the soup made everyone wise and witty, saying things like “Rule number one: don’t sing if you are on national television,” and “I’m glad this job went to Keith Jungles,” and “Marketing is the not-going-to-fall-for-the-banana-in-the-tailpipe of careers.” Someone coined a new prayer: “Oh Lord, Jesus Christ, Please Help Me Finish This Marriage.”

So it wasn’t surprising that when the cape voting happened, everyone had forgotten Jeff’s singlular achievement (until Buggs also achieved it) during the game. He may have been in the first round of voting, but due to a perceived future attendance problem he was eliminated from round two. Round two was a a tie between Bricker in a thong and Brody in hot pants. Round three was unanimous: Keith “Thor” Anderson was the exemplary citizen on this night, someone we felt was best suited to wear the honored cape at the next game. Keith was touched—his day started with visions of oral surgery and ended with the respect and admiration of his team.

Congratulations, Keith!