Sometimes when I prattle on and on about the B-Squad–a subject of infinite interest to me and limited value to most other–I am occasionally asked, “What would you guys do if you ever won a game?” And while the questioner expects some sort of quick response, I often launch into an elaborate explanation of what a single statistical win would mean.
You see, we’ve had plenty of time to think about what we’ll do when we win a game. In fact, there are a stack of pamphlets in a glass case in the men’s restroom at Marshall Terrace that says, “Break if B-Squad Wins a Game.” But since not everyone has access to those facilities, and those that do might not want to break the glass before the win, I thought it might be worth detailing a few of the highlights.
When we win a game, we’ll stop going to our normal bar: Dusty’s. Instead, we’ll head right over to Tony Jaros where the other teams congregate so we can belly up to the bar with the bankers. Malibar will buy everyone a round of drinks and bury the hatchet from five years of calling those guys “Nancy.” By the end of the night Malibar will invite those guys over to his house for poker nights and exchange instant message addresses so they can keep in touch during the work-day.
When we win a game, we’ll get serious about our skills. First, we’ll appoint Gary Aurit to the newly formed position of “Coach.” Gary will insist on practices twice a week. After everyone hits the weight room, Gary will lead us in calisthenics. He’ll have a whistle around his neck to signal the start and end of the half dozen drills created to further sharpen our softball skills. Gary will be a tough but loveable task master and under his tutelage we’ll see the wins pile up, each one creating a hunger for more.
Winning a game will lead to a uniform change. Everyone will have to get cleats and real softball pants. Though the current shirts are appropriately playful, we’ll need something more suitable to our new stature. New uniforms will be made from a nice breathable fabric, perhaps reversible with home and away colors. Pin-stripes are likely and stirrups would be required.
When we win a game, we’ll start entering tournaments. We’ll travel all around the upper Midwest in three vans that Doug will pimp out with all the gear a softball team would need. You know, bat racks and cubbie-holes for our gloves. Our friends and family will join us on the road every weekend, becoming the region’s largest mobile cheer squad. The wives and girlfriends will get up early to blend high-energy shakes made with mysterious ingredients that will further increase the quality of our play.
Winning that game will solve a number of small problems. That pesky nickname for Mike Black will become evident during the winning game. Keekley will get paid for the shirts. Brad will get a job closer to the fields where he can cut out at 4:00 to join the fellas for the pre-game warm ups/prayer circle. The mosquitoes will dissipate, the umps will make better calls, the rain that plagued so many of those games where we lost will stop happening on Wednesdays.
By winning just one game, everyone on the team will be transformed into different person. At work there will be an amazing round of promotions and bonuses. There will be peace at home as chores magically get done, kids mysteriously mellow out, and romance redoubles. We’ll read more books, tell funnier stories, understand people who are different than us. There will be a quiet confidence that reassures others that this person in front of them, this B-Squader, is someone of great character and reliability.
Yes, this win is going to really set things right. Northwest airlines and their labor unions will reach an agreement that satisfies all the parties. The Meadows will decide that the Virginia thing is a huge mistake, lead by Rachel who will decide that she actually prefers all things Midwestern and that the East Coast is for suckers. Malibar gets a bunch of dates with hot Latinas. Housing values will continue to climb, someone will finally invent flying cars, the intersection at Minnetonka and Hopkins Crossroad will re-open, Dave and Phoebe will get married, Tom Burrell will be reconciled with the Star Wars franchise, Daytons will be Daytons again, Grain Belt will roll out a line of SUPER Premium Beer which will be even more tasty than their current offering.
It’s going to be so different when we win that game. And though that win was pretty clearly out of reach this week against the Sportsmen [insert actual information about the game here], the day of reckoning is coming soon. I can feel it.
Cape Honors. Buggs Throwingdahl was awarded the cape for leaving the bar early to go home and spend time with his wife. As Zin stated in his nomination form, “I don’t think anyone has ever left the bar early to go home and spend time with his wife or girlfriend. After years and years of observational research by many members of the team, it was considered that attendance at a softball game and going home early to spend time with your wife were mutually exclusive activities. Tonight Buggs proved that that premise must be reconsidered. This is truly a first-of-its-kind event and serves as an inspiration to the rest of us who would, from time to time, like to leave the bar early to go home and spend time with our own wives or girlfriends. I can think of no member of our team who is more deserving of cape honors.” This nomination was unanimously adopted by the dirty, sweaty, smelly, drunk and suddenly hopeful members in attendance. Congratulations Buggs!
The heck with travelling in three vans: http://b-squad.lapoint.net/images/b-bus.jpg
As I slowly emerge from “new Dad” seclusion I was so happy to read of the amazing possibilities of a B-Squad win.
Make it so!