Dear Vice President of Softball Operations,
I’m in a bit of a mid-season hitting slump. Every time I get up to the plate, my heart starts to beat really fast and I have a hard time concentrating. Then, the pitch comes and I can’t tell if it is a ball or a strike and I worry that I might strike out. Almost every time I ground it to the short stop. What can I do to break out of this malaise?
Best regards,
Bottom of the order
Dear Bottom,
I am the Vice President of Softball Operations, not the batting coach! In fact, we don’t have a batting coach. This would be a first step to improving your batting, find a suitable batting coach, preferably someone dashing with a loud laugh and a devil-may-care attitude. I’m imaging someone who will bark little instructions at you while you bat, things like “Stand In!” or “Choke Up!” or “Easy Now!” If he can come to the games that would be a big help because the other guys could pick up the tips by watching him shout at you. Or you could find a female batting coach who would stand behind you and help you get your grip on the bat. That would be really awesome, and again the rest of the team could learn a great deal about batting. Especially if your coach was good looking.
Either way, once the batting coach’s contract runs out your batting will improve. Instead of the sharp instructions of a knowledgeable but stern mentor or the saucy distractions of a beautiful guide, you’ll have the sloppy, ridiculous but helpful chatter that occasionally emanates from our bench. “Don’t strike out, I want to bat!” Indeed.
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Dear Vice President of Softball Operations,
What happened in the game last week? Did you guys win? Did anything unusual or interesting happen?
B-Squad Fan
Dear Fan,
Well, we certainly played a game last week! I think we played the Target guys. I think that in the last inning I got to pitch and that I walked in at least one run. Frustrating on all accounts, but I shouldn’t dwell on my personal performance. The most notable performance was the guy from Target who basically turned a single into a double by running as fast as straight-line wind, only to call for a substitute runner. He did that a bunch of times and it just made no sense. If he was so injured you’d think he would be taking it easy. Plus they were up like 100 to nothing. It was weird.
Anyway, I’m sure there were some great plays and some hilarious mis-haps. Normal stuff. At least it didn’t rain.
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Dear Vice President of Softball Operations,
Normal stuff? I heard that George took his shirt off after the game!
-Harry Bear
Dear Bear,
Yes, you’re right. That part wasn’t really very normal. Thanks a ton for reminding me.
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Dear Vice President of Softball Operations,
If the three Wells Fargo teams got into a brawl, lets say at Tony Jaros one Wednesday evening after one too many green machines, who would win?
Your fan,
Fight Club
Dear Club,
Well this is a much tougher question now that the organgemen have drifted into the Wednesday night softball scrapbook. Those guys could hit home runs and I bet they could hit other guys as well. They seemed like the rich kids who took martial arts from really mean instructors all through high school and college. The kinds of guys who could make you pay if that was required.
The green team is wearing camo this year, but that seems like a ruse. I don’t see them being very good at hand to hand combat, though I bet they could hold their own if it was a fight in a jungle with automatic weapons.
The “Nads V” are big and for the most part friendly. I wouldn’t expect to see them looking for a fight, but if pushed I bet they could surprise you. Maybe break a bottle for effect, though not likely to cut anybody with it. Just thrust it around saying things like, “that’s what I’m talking about!” and “you want a piece of me?”
In the end I’m going with the Bean Counting Bombers. Those guys look like they’ve been hitting the steroids which adds that whole manufactured anger thing. I would guess they could take a few hits but would bounce right back with more enthusiasm for the fight. I bet they could take the whole lot of Wells guys.
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Dear Vice President of Softball Operations,
I would like to join your softball team. Is this possible?
Sincerely,
Hopeful Hitter
Dear Hitter,
No, it is not possible. The only way to get admitted to the B-Squad is through an admissions process that is so secret that I can’t believe I even mentioned it on the publicly available Internet. You have to take a quiz, demonstrate some talent that can be applied to the team effort (graphic design, ability to kill mosquitoes, wife with soft ears, etc.). You have to be sponsored by Zindren and at least two other members of the team. Most importantly, however, you have to have lots and lots and lots of money. The dues next year are going to be astronomical, particularly for new players. Like you. Welcome aboard!
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Dear Vice President of Softball Operations,
Any update on the Mike Black Nickname program?
Mike’ Mom
Dear Mrs. Pico,
We’e had a hard time picturing you calling your son Mary Beth. I was siding with the Pico (and the variant Pico de Gallo) crowd until there was a surge of support around Black Jacque Shellaque. So there is no consensus as of yet. One point, from here forward Mike will be batting directly before Charles, so I can yell “Black and Decker” when I call the order.
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Dear Vice President of Softball Operations,
I heard a rumor that Dusty’ has an actual menu and serves items other than Italian Meat Sandwiches. And I heard that they no longer have Cher on the jukebox. And I heard that you can’ smoke there anymore. Has the world gone totally mad?
Mr. Fortman
Dear Fort,
Yes, the world has gone absolutely totally mad. For example, in the cape voting this week George edged out a field of his qualified colleagues candidates because he made a good stop at home plate. That and the fact that he (and his wife) squirted a large amount of mustard directly into his mouth. The end is indeed near.
How about Boston Blackie. I understand from my friend Mr. Internet that…
Like The Saint, Boston Blackie (Chester Morris, who starred in all 14 films) isn’t afraid of stepping over onto the wrong side of the law. In fact, he’s a former jewel thief who knows a lot about crime. But now he’s reformed . . . and although he’s saddled with a dim-witted sidekick and doggedly pursued by a police inspector (who even gets the better of him on occasion!), he always manages to pull himself out of whatever mess he’s in at the end.
Here’s an interesting sidenote: Chester Morris continued on the radio as Boston Blackie.
Listen
I have enough trouble overwhelming the kinder angels of my schizoid personality each week, brewing up the vinegar of my soul to get those FREEKING POSING NANCY-BOYS TO TAKE THE BAT OFF THEIR SHOULDERS AND SWING AT THE GOD FORSAKEN PITCH
sorry
I dont need my moral derailieur stripped by having to shift gears in mid rage by calling Mr Black some soft a fuzzy, cute and Keekely-Kuddley nickname.
At gametime tonight I will be in a video conference with a bunch of engineers in China, and I swear to God Im going to tell one of those poor guys to STAND UP AND SWING AT THE BALL.
That’ll learn ‘em. Bet theyre feared’a you, Brick.