ATTENTION B-SQUADERS–
It is my grand honor to be facilitating a softball styled activity again this year. I knew it was time when Malibar and I went to this little soul food joint on the 394 frontage road the other day. He ordered four fried chickens and I ordered some dry white toast. Our waitress looked stunningly like Rachel Meadows. Big John and Paul Fucking Meadows turned out to work in the kitchen, slopping around the grease trap, and Malibar reached out to them and said: Guys, me and Bricker, we’re putting the b-squad back together. (see attched file)
So as you can see, I don’t manage. I merely facilitate. Create opportunities to be placed in front of thrill seekers with proper identification. If you receive this email then you know you are the one. Now you have a chance to prove it!
I need a show of interest, fellas. I need you to email me back with some critical details, perhaps using the following survey. It would be tops to have answers from each of you by Wednesday. Don’t make me make follow up calls!
PLEASE NOTE THAT I’M USING A NEW EMAIL ADDRESS.
Our practice is on APRIL 20. Our first game is on APRIL 27. Get fired up!
BRICK
1. My B-Squad interest level is…
a) alarming, frighteningly intense desire to participate
b) not as strong as my desire to sit at Dusty’s and listen to “ring of fire”
c) going to be set by my wife/girlfriend
d) tepid because I am a complete dork
2. Email validity
a) The email you sent me works great, particularly when the power grid is up
b) I have another email where I receive my important information about the local dating scene, please switch to _______
c) I didn’t get this email and therefore cannot respond
d) It would be better if we could communicate via US Mail
3. Uniform preference
a) I need the largest possible size a double or triple X large…it’s been a great off season
b) I worked out and drank much less beer than I’d hoped: a single X in front of my large please.
c) I am merely large, though these days that may be considered kind of lame.
d) I need a shirt that is medium sized in order for our opponents to be able to count my ribs when I’m up to bat
4. Rob Haskins
a) Should swallow his pride and admit that he made a mistake and be accepted back on the B-Squad
b) Should organize his life in a manner that he won’t regret on his death bed by including more B-Squad softball in his routine
c) Should worry that rejecting the B-Squad for another year might be bad for his personal and professional life
d) Should have a hitting streak that includes triples and home runs when he plays for the B-Squad this year
5. On the back of my shirt
a) I’d like the number ___
b) If that number is taken, I’d like to have it anyway
c) If that number is taken, I’d like to have this number instead: ____
d) If somebody takes my number I’ll be so pissed.
6. Batting practice
a) Is a sissy idea made up by guys who do not appreciate the importance of the word “recreational”
b) Would increase my confidence at the plate and perhaps lead to modest improvements
c) Would provide me an opportunity to get out of my house and perhaps drink a few beers
d) Is hard to imagine but I’d be willing to give it a shot
7. Extra uniforms
a) I’d be interested in purchasing an additional hat
b) I’d be interested in purchasing an additional shirt, size ______
c) I can’t believe I have to get another shirt this year. You’re not going to make me pay for it are you?
Paarman Replies:
Jim!
1. a) alarming, frighteningly intense desire to participate – That said, the spirit is more than willing, though the flesh is probably weak. Or lame. I would be delighted to purchase any and all Bricker’s B-Squad â„¢ merchandise and attend as many games/post-games as my tired, commuting butt would allow. How many that would be is as yet undetermined. Please let me know what I owe for any and all Bricker’s B-Squad â„¢ merchandise.
2. a) The email you sent me works great, particularly when the power grid is up
3. XXL, though I prefer to think of it as “larger than lifeâ€.
4. DItto what the Bricker said!
5. a) I’d like the number “MIAâ€
6. e) This “practice†you speak of intrigues me. Can I have Dave O. do it for me?
7. a) I’d be interested in purchasing an additional hat
Sorry for the delayed response. I spent “spring break†last week religiously avoiding email as much as possible.
Bill P.
Dave O Replies (again)
Now, about softball. That’s exciting. To answer your questions:
1. Interest Level
a+). off the charts (and they’re big charts)
2. Email validity
a). I believe you are reading this.
3. Sizing
c). large though getting larger.
4. Rob Haskins
which one was he again?
5. Numbers
Wouldn’t it be great to have Roman Numerals? I would love a big V on the
back of my shirt. Failing that, in order of preference 2, 9, 3. Or 00
(get it?)
6. Batting Practice
is a good opportunity to show off my new pants.
7. Extra togs
Phoebe is in for a hat for sure, but would like to see the shirt before
committing. So picky, that girl. I’m going out on a limb and saying that
she would like one too, size large.
Now, if you could tell me how to say “foreclose a mortgage†in Latin, we’d
be even.
Dave O
Mr. Wein Replies
Jim -
We have previously discusssed my lack of full engagement in
this area. Please note that today I am even less engaged,
as I am about to head to the beach. Yep, I’ve got a date
swimming with the shrimp and my children in sunny Florida.
Mr. Black Replies:
Count me in Bricker! When can Carolyn and I come see the new baby?
In response to your survey, I’m fired up to play right center for another year, I wear a large shirt, you’ve got the right e-mail address for me, Haskin’s should suck it up and play ball, I would like the number 92, I probably need some batting practice, I probably need some Grain Belt drinking practice, I enjoy long walks on the beach at sunset, and I don’t need extra uniforms unless they include B-Squad emblazoned underoos.
Mr. Burrell Replies
Jimmy, my man!
I am soooo there dude!
This e-mail is fine, since otherwise I won’t get the “Day of†messages.
Need the ol’ XX on the Jersey (although some of them run kind of small- that’s my excuse and I’m sticking with it)
As for Rob, I’ll take option C- a man should take care that nothing happens to his family.
My number: given my size relative to the rest of the squad, a range of numbers might be more appropriate. Say the upper 20’s. Barring that, how about the old B-ball “00″ I can draw eyes on it so they think I’m looking backwards.
Batting Practice: I have to break in a legal bat. No more fugitive from Softball justice here!
Tom
Mr. O Replies:
Orange Whip?
Orange Whip?
Orange Whip?
Three Orange Whips!
Mr. Buggs Replies:
Fuck you, Bricker. I’m leaving my guts on the FIELD this year.
Mr. Aurit Replies:
d) I need a shirt that is medium sized in order for our opponents to be able to count my ribs when I’m up to bat
Mr. F’ing Meadows Replies
Well, if it is a mission from GOD…….
Mr. Kehl Replies:
Thanks for the invite Mr. Bernard. I think this may be the last season that I won’t be able to participate full-time. I’ll probably start looking for a “normal†job within the next year or so. Until then, I would love to be included as an official substitute to help eat dagos and drink beer as my schedule allows.
Can part-time b-squaders qualify for a t-shirt? I would love to order one to help bankroll the team
The group you have can be quite expensive.
btk
Mr. Malibar Replies:
omygod
I listened to the wav file Gary attached to his message, and the next
thing I can remember is finding myself in a full suit of armor having sex
with someone else’s wife (pretty sure it was Gary’s wife, but pretty foggy).
Talk about swinging a big stick, going deep, knocking the cover off the
ball, touching ‘em all Kirby Puckett.
Mr. Doug Replies
I can see you …
Brown skin shining in the sun.
You got you B-Squad hat
And your sunglasses on.
Mr. Doug Replies Again
The following email has been approved by Dawn, bartender at Dusty’s:
On Wednesday night I took a practice run out to Marshall Fields from my new place of work.
Ya … that’s what it was … a practice run.
I stopped short of the actual fields, figuring the distance from Dusty’s to the fields was a gimmie.
Results: 8.5 miles in about 15 minutes.
I may have to make a few more practice runs, leaving at different times of the day, before the season starts. If anyone else is planning a practice run, perhaps we could coordinate.
Gary Responds to Doug
Average speed 34mph.
Not bad Doug, but you might need a little more enthusiasm when the season starts.
-G
1) I have Nordeast in my veins, now I have an activity to rationalize all of my meat and egg consumption. I am crying while I write this, crying with anticipatory joy.
2) email correct
3) Large is good
4) Rob, I don’t know you but I am sure that I could learn to love you.
5) Number 2 or number 20 or number 22 or any other number
6) I would practice or play or just drink beer on any/every given night given the opportunity.
7) 1 pine tar covered outfit is all that I need
Peter